Feelings Aren’t Mutual

Stop making permanent decisions based off temporary feelings.

This may have been the hardest lesson I had to learn in my 25 years of living, I was making permanent decisions based off MY temporary feelings. I have had maybe 4 real relationships in my lifetime each lasting more than a year or two. What I did not realize is the life lessons that they each taught me to prepare myself for each relationship that took place after those.  

The 10-month tragedy.  After two long years I found myself alone, no dates, no relationships, no one I was interested in, so when this relationship came along I believe like most it was out of pure boredom or being tired of being alone. But now when I look back on everything I went through I would have rather been alone. I have had people continuously tell me about his character, anything that should have been told to me before him came after. This may have been the most trying time in my life I was dealing with a man that was verbally abusive and up until this day he would still be playing the same antics if I had not got out of the situation and taken the right precautions to make sure it never happens again.  No woman should ever have to endure abuse whether it is verbally or physically. There was no love to lose because I was simply not in love. Men can leave you with scars, scars that will not heal, scars that can not be removed but in this case….I was healed and I moved on.

The 8-month rebound. I found myself looking, wanting, and needing affection never in my life had I ever got to this point but I did. When I found this rebound he came with as many issues and problems as I did and instead of me thinking with my head I was thinking with body parts like most men. My body was responding before my mind could and I had no way to control it because I was caught up in this LUST relationship that we were taking part in. However, when I started playing everything back in my head I realized that I was being foolish especially to someone I probably would never take serious in the first place but my body had me trapped thinking I would or that I could. When reality finally set in the feelings I once had were gone, the body responding to him were now gone, that LUST we once shared was no longer apparent to me but he still felt he had a hold on me, which I found funny. He was looking for a relationship but was not looking for one with me so when he finally got one I felt free, I felt disconnect, I finally felt as though whatever it was that we shared meant nothing to either one of us. During this time I believed he was my best friend, someone I could confide in but the same way he would talk to me about other women what makes me believe that he does not do the same about me. So whatever it is that we called ourselves or once shared has diminished. Karma has no set date or time but believe what you do to another will find its way back to you.

Finding Myself Again.  Sadly, I did not know where to begin when I found myself wondering what had went wrong in the past 1.5 years, how did I allow myself to accept such behavior from other people especially people I thought that mattered in my life but in reality they were just “lessons” a stepping stone to better me as a woman. So from this point on I vowed that I would take my time and date, understand the different men that are out there and find myself again. It will take time because at this point I am delicate and fragile so until that ONE comes around that speaks to my soul I will no longer allow myself to fall victim of the smoke screens.

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